What every family with a Missing Person must know...

I am writing this from my own experience having been in that "world" for 6 years and having a resolution, although not the one I wanted.  I also am in contact with other people who have missing loved ones.  The following list are things that I see, looking back, and wish I had known.  They are also things that I see still happening to people right now. So here goes....

Be Cautious to who you give your personal information

A person who joins searches for your loved one doesn't get automatic "family" status.  These people who so fervently insert themselves in your search can be overbearing and manipulative.  It can be their way of getting some notoriety or getting to feel like they are contributing.  The latter is not so bad, but still be careful. If they know too much about you, it starts to crowd your personal life and give people access to places in your life they haven't earned.

There is some sort of "war" going on between some organizations that are supposed to be helping families

Stay away.  If you have one Organization Director bad mouthing another... don't join in.  Your focus should always be on your missing loved one and the facts. Period.

There are always people who want to poke holes in your story

Ignore them, and if they must have an answer, simply explain to them, that the story will constantly change and there is nothing you can do about it.  People will always be giving you good/bad information and as a family member looking for a loved one, you will always want to check any info given.  If someone else can't see the confusion of that, they should just be ignored.

Don't feel like you have to post your loved one's info on only one organization's site

You might feel like you "owe" someone loyalty in your search.  You don't.  They are in business to help you.  If they make you feel indebted... then they are not doing their job correctly.  I can't stress this enough.  There are very many organizations out there and most work together, which is wonderful.  But they mostly all have a different hook.  One org does physical searches while another pays for them.  One does Billboards and another does emotional support.  They are all equally fantastic and useful.  So don't limit yourself out of a false sense of loyalty.  Again, your focus is not their comfort, it should be on your loved one. They aren't going through the same thing as you are (well most of them aren't).  So their comfort is provided by themselves.

Don't allow your information to be repeated in an untruthful way

ALWAYS double check what an organization or news story wants to post about your story before printing.  Press releases and Missing Person's posters should always include the facts and be spelled correctly with proficient grammar.  No one will take a story seriously if a person can't take the time and respect to get the information right.  You are not required to allow anyone to pass out incorrect information on your behalf.

Do not, under any circumstances, allow an organization to Nominate you to be a volunteer for them

If you ask to be a volunteer, that is fantastic and this world could do with more of you.  But when you are going through such a traumatic experience, the last thing you need to do on top of that is have to feel like you have to go out and search for everyone else.  I know, how harsh this sounds, so hear me out..... When you are working a full time job and taking care of your family, all while looking for your loved one, the last thing your heart needs is to be filled up with everyone else' searches.  It is one thing to be an advocate and get others messages out.  By all means, please and thank you.  But to have to physically exhaust yourself over someone else' "nomination" is unfair and exploitative. You need to focus on your loved one.

Be gracious and kind

Folks need to be reassured that you are thankful for their help.  You don't need to shower them with accolades or push their message to the media.  A simple thank you is far more easy for someone in your situation to deliver than a grand gesture such as certificates, flowers and immense media coverage.  It is exhausting and true souls will understand that and be grateful that you aren't getting over stressed to the point you can't focus on your loved one.

Give yourself a break

Not everyone is strong enough to take on such an endeavor.... You probably already know what I mean.  You are probably the only person in your family fervently searching for your loved one.  I have been there.  I used to be so hard on myself and so angry at the rest of my family.  Looking back, I had every right to be angry at them, but not so hard on myself.  But my anger didn't get me anywhere and only made me feel worse.  It didn't push any of them into action.

Do not let an Organization director or chairperson treat you badly

No matter what the circumstances are..... No one has a right to treat you like dirt, or call you names.  No matter what.  If this happens to you, don't engage.  Don't reply.  Send that information to the police and to everyone else that you have joint contact with.  There is never any instance where a professional should treat a victim's family members badly.  Ever. You don't owe them anything and should not allow them to make you feel badly when you are already going through enough.  Even if you started it, they should be professional and ignore it.  You are going through a rough enough time and need understanding, not a meany beating you down.  I am not saying you have a right to start stuff with someone, just saying that the professional should not allow for the conversation to progress.

The MEDIA is a great tool

But don't let yourself become a mediamonger.  Someone whose soul purpose is getting their story to the media, rather than actually looking for their loved one.  When your goal of having your loved ones story be the most popular, you can lose a lot of valuable actual searching time.  You need those minutes.  Nancy Grace won't give you that time back, CNN certainly won't.  When you worry more about the pose you are making in the picture, than if the truth of the message is getting to the targeted people (locals who might know something, law enforcement, and helpful organizations), then you need to take a minute, regroup and get back on task.  If people recognize you more than your loved one... it's kinda messed up. Focus on the facts... Not the amount of hits your story gets.


You can take these tips or leave em.  They are from my personal experience and had I known, I would have navigated the "scene" much better than I did.  I would not have allowed myself the frustrations that I endured that I could have been placing on looking for my mother, rather than petting someone's ego.

I hope this helps some of you with what you might be struggling with inside and not sure how to express it or handle it.
 There are so many fantastic organizations out there and I hope you can get all of the help that is available to make your journey easier on you.  I also hope that you remember this is not about anyone else, but your loved one.  If you keep your focus you will be ok.